Feilraport mellom Pilot og Mekaniker

[SJ-Samurai]

Quantas er et australsk flyselskap. Etter hver flyging fyller piloten ut en feilrapport som viser mekanikerne hvilke problemer som har vært med maskinen under flygningen, og som krever reperasjon eller ettersyn. Blanketten er et stykke papir som piloten fyller ut og som mekanikerne får. De opplyser så nederst på blanketten hvilke utbedringer de har gjort. Pilotene leser
gjennom dette før flygning. Ingen skal påstå at personalet på bakken mangler humoristisk sans! Her er noen virkelig registrerte klager over manglende vedlikehold og problemer Quantas' piloter har levert inn, samt hvilke løsninger vedlikeholdspersonalet har notert. Quantas er forresten det eneste store flyselskap som aldri har hatt noen større ulykker!

P= Problem innberettet av piloten
S= Svar notert fra mekanikeren

P: Innerste hjul på venstre side skal nesten skiftes.
S: Har nesten skiftet innerste hjul på venstre side!

P: Testflygningen gikk ok, bortsett fra at den automatiske landingen var noe hard.
S: Det er ikke installert automatisk landing på dette flyet...

P: Propell nr. 2 får ikke tilført nok propellsmøring.
S: Tilførsel til propell nr. 2 er normal. Tilførselen til propell nr. 1, 3 og 4 er i uorden!

P: Et eller annet er løst i cockpiten.
S: Et eller annet har blitt strammet i cockpiten.

P: Døde insekter på frontruten.
S: Levende insekter er i restordre...

P: Autopiloten utløser fall på 200 fot når flygehøyden skal fastholdes
S: Kan ikke gjenskape problemet på landjorden!

P: Bevis på lekk i høyre sides landingsdel.
S: Beviset fjernet!

P: Lyden i samtaleanlegget er utrolig høy.
S: Lyden i samtaleanlegget installert til et mer troverdig nivå...

P: Motstandslåsen får gasshåndtaket til å sitte fast.
S: Det er liksom det de er der for...

P: Radioen er ute av drift.
S: Radioen er alltid ute av drift når den står på OFF.

P: Har en mistanke om sprekk i frontruten.
S: Har en mistanke om at du har rett!

P: Mangler motor nr. 3.
S: Motoren funnet på høyre vinge etter kort ettersøkning...

P: Flyet oppfører seg rart.
S: Flyet har fått beskjed om å ta seg sammen, fly ordentlig og være litt seriøst!

P: Radaren brummer.
S: Har omprogrammert radaren til tale.

P: Mus i cockpiten.
S: Katt installert.

________________________
-SJ410JL HighRoof
-SJ413JX Cab
-Valmet 565

[Sheba]

Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers


Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
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Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747:

"United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329:

"Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."
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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted:

"American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
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There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked".
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
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A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war!"
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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern
702?"

BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,

"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:

"I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.
So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."
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While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:

"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:
"Wasn't I married to you once?"





still to low...

[MoNiTo]

:D:D

[2 BAD]

Dritbra :D:D

Det var en fisker ute i Middelhavet og drev sitt daglige virke, plutelig begynte sjarken å ta inn vann og situasjonen ble etterhvert kritisk så fiskeren kastet seg på VHF'en og ropte ut <b>MAYDAY, MAYDAY I'm sinking - I'm sinking MAYDAY, MAYDAY</b>....... i samme stund skulle det ha seg at Lufthansa 616 var i luftrommet over og hvorpå kapteinen svarer: <i>Zis iz kaftein Stefan Prytz aus der Lufthansa flight 616. What are you zinking about.................</i>
:D:D:D:D

<img src='http://www.offroad.no/snitz/uploaded/2 BAD/nytticon.jpg' border='0' alt='user posted image'>

Garasje: http://nlck.no/forum/viewtopic.php?t=519

[Geared]

:D:D:D:D:D:D

_____________________
Roar Hovet
Tlf: 98883546
Andebu i Vestfold
Suzuki Vitara JLX Cab

[Ante]

Vanvittig bra!!:D

_________________
Kor e reinan mine...

[rcfrik]

Ja ja det går jo an.
Men mus i cockpiten da begynner man vel å lure litt på hva slags fly det er snakk om, kanskje et "dyrebutikk-fly"

Nice wheels, baby!!

[Aina]

Rart at det går så bra som det gjør:-)

Bettre att vara bortförd och omkommen, enn bortkommen och omkörd:-)